You Saw It Here First: Georgia Bigfoot Cocktail

So, in honor of today’s inconclusive press conference around the suspected bogus Georgia Bigfoot story, I am inventing a cocktail to both mourn his demise and celebrate my hopes for future legitimate breakthroughs in Bigfoot cryptozoology. I think the occasion calls for something BIG and STRONG and, of course, involving peaches.

You know, Georgia? Peaches?

Onwards.

First, let us begin with a base that is distinctly southern and quintessentially American:

• 1 jigger Kentucky Bourbon (I like Maker’s Mark)

Next, of course, the peaches . . . Nothing too girly, because we want those rough and rugged Georgia mountain types to drink this too. Let’s try:

• 1 jigger Peach Brandy

There you go! I think we’re on the right track. Three solid ounces of alcohol sounds big and strong to me. What’s missing? Ah, yes! Bitters to represent the bitterness of my disappointment once the Georgia Bigfoot is debunked.

• 2 dashes of bitters

And finally, let’s throw in some Ginger Ale to make the cocktail nice and refreshing after a hard day of Bigfoot hunting. Putting it all together, we have:

The Georgia Bigfoot Cocktail
Fill a highball glass half way with crushed ice. Add:
1 jigger of Kentucky Bourbon
1 Jigger of Peach Brandy
2 Dashes of bitters
Top off with Ginger Ale, stir and enjoy!

VARIATIONS:

The Canadian Sasquatch
There are many reported sightings of such creatures in British Columbia as well. Substitute Canadian Whiskey for the Kentucky Bourbon and drink a toast to our northern neighbors.

The Hairy Bigfoot/Hairy Sasquatch
If the original is still not manly enough for you, you might like the burn on this version. Simply skip the Ginger Ale and serve it in a double glass. Works either neat or on the rocks according to your preference. Then go get your back waxed.

The French Pedicure
For the more genteel I've devised a this Champagne Cocktail version that is also quite tasty:
Drop a sugar cube in the bottom of a champagne flute and add
2 dashes of bitters
1 Jigger of Peach Brandy
Fill glass with chilled champagne

Cheers!

Of Monsters and Very Large Feet

For as long as I can remember I have fallen in love with monsters.

Literary, rather than literal, of course.

I am sure it began with the fairy-tale variety; with beasts, frogs and bears who were really princes in disguise. Add to that a lifelong diet of classics in which nobles behave monstrously and presumed monsters are revealed as truly noble. Now, it is safe to say my girlish infatuation has deepened into a love for the ages.

So today it is reported that a mythical monster for our modern world may have been discovered in the Georgia woods. I am naturally skeptical, but oh my stars, I don’t want to be.

The story is that two men who lead bigfoot tracking expeditions, claim to have found the body of a hairy, 500 pound, 7 foot 7 inch man/ape. With very large feet. 16 3/4 inches long, to be exact. They also claim to have seen his “brethren” (their words from the press release at searchingforbigfoot.com) alive and well in the vicinity of the body. A press conference will be held on Friday, August 15th in Palo Alto at which the two men promise to provide photographic and DNA evidence of the find. Ah, for the luxury of being a press-credentialed master of my own schedule.

I must say, as much as the discovery fires my imagination, the romantic in me balks at the inelegant details as I imagine them unfolding: A monolithic yet lifeless carcass, abused by the elements, stretched on a stainless steel table. Harsh lights and sharp implements. Laboratory tests and sample collection.

Where I crave the Tarzan of Edgar Rice Burroughs or the Quasimodo of Victor Hugo, I find I may have to settle for Frankenstein’s monster, or rather, a poorly written, modern version in the vein of Clive Barker or Robin Cook.

Looks like I’ve been handed my Latest Obsession.